PoofSpoof #01 - The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe














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UPDATE ONE | Wednesday, April 19, 2006 | 6:00 PM
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Teh Bombz
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Dramatic Music: *begins*
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Black Sky: *blackens*
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Random German Pilot #1: Wheeeeeee!!!
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Random German Radio: This is lovely! (1)
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Random German Pilot #2: Fire our sheet!
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Random German Pilot #1: *fires their sheet*
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Some Random House (2)
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Random Boy #1: *looks out the window* OOH PRETTY COLORS!
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Random Lady: ZOMGAHHMOTHERFUCK! *SPAZZ*
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Random Girl #1: *gets Random Girl #2*
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*Random Girl #1, Random Girl #2, Random Boy #1, Random Boy #2 and Random Lady run outside for a better view.*
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Random Boy #1: I think I'll go back in now and get some random picture.
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Random Lady: Okay, that's cool.
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Bomb: *explodes window*
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*ZOMG!*
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Sirens: *WWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!*
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Random Boy #2: *SPAZZNESS!*
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Random Train Station
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P. A. Lady: Yo, fo' shizzle, da train's here!
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Peter and his Mother: *HUGGLES!*
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Willianites: *close eyes*
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Susan: Get on the train.
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Edmund: GET OFF ME, BI-OTCH!
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Random Baby: *wails somewhere in the distance*
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Peter: *Zoned-out, watching something off-screen longingly, perhaps his mother, the random baby or the random guy in an army uniform.* (3)
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Random French Ticket Lady: Stop undressing the other passengers with your eyes and gimme your goddamn ticket!
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Random Train Moving Through Random Countryside
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Random Kids: *stare blankly*
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Train: *TUNNEL!*
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Incredibly Cheesy Music: *begins*
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Train: *HILLTOP!*
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Logo That Was Later Altered: *pops up*
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Train: Look at me!
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Opening Credits: *start*
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Fangirls: *read names and scream*
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Train: WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT ME!?! *SULK!*
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Train: *stops*
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P. A. Lady That Has Suddenly Turned Into A Guy: Sgoetuvhafdkg Station!
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Train: *continues*
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Trees: SWEET! I didn't think we were gonna be in this movie!
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Pevensies: *look around a bit*
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Train: *rolls away*
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Pevensies: *are magically teleported off the train*
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Car: *rolls along*
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Pevensies: *go to meet car*
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Driver: *gives them the finger*
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Car: *keeps going*
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Edmund: Well this sucks.
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Woman With Horse: WHEEE! *takes them back to the house*
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Lucy: What a nice horse! *reaches to pat horse*
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Woman With Horse: DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!! *SUPERSPAZZ!* ESPECIALLY THE PROFESSOR!
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*All stare pointedly at Peter.*
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The Bedroom
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Lucy: *sulks*
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Peter: Aw, come on Lucy, it can be fun here!
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Edmund: Pfft, yeah right.
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Susan: KID!
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Edmund: BITCH!
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Peter: *SPAZZ!*
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Peter: So yeah, anyways, tomorrow’s going to be great.
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Tomorrow: *is not great*
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Susan: Skaljfewiaoskmcmaiowedjfsdaklsd.
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Peter: Is it German? GERMAN!?! Oh, geez, I feel SOOOO much better now! *spazz again*
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Susan: Erm, actually I just made it up...
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Lucy: Let's play hide and seek. It attracts less anger.
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Edmund: How come she's the smart one!?!
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Peter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29...
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Edmund: *hides*
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Susan: *hides* I'm Susan-in-a-Box!
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Andrews Sisters: *wail*
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Lucy: *runs around a bit and then finds...*
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The Wardrobe Room
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(David: What? OH, so this is a NARNIA spoof!)
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Andrews Sisters: Hey, you cut us out!
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Fly: *dies*
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Lucy: Oooh, a big-ass sheet! I can add it to my collection! *steals sheet*
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Sheet: Aren't you supposed to be hiding right about now?
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Lucy: Oh, yeah... hey look, a wardrobe! *hides in wardrobe, then turns back to sheet* I'll be back for you.
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Lucy: *backs into coats, then another row of coats, and another, and another, until she backs into a tree*
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Lucy: ZOMG!
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Lucy: *resumes backing into tree, then turns around and finds herself in...*
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Hogwarts
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Harry Potter: Who the fuck are you?
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Lucy: Lucy Pevensie, pleased to meet you Mr. Tumnus!
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Harry Potter: ...
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Lucy: ......
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Me: PSST! Wrong movie. *rewinds to end of last scene*
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The Lamp Post, Narnia
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Lucy: *pisses around for a bit*
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Goat Legs: *shuffle around the trees*
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Lucy: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
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Man With Goat Legs: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
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Snow: *is not falling anymore in this shot*
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Tumnus: Yo, wassup homie?
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Snow: *resumes falling*
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Lucy: ... You have a really big nose.
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Tumnus: What in Narnia's name are you?
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Lucy: I'm a girl, human whatever. What's Narnia?
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Tumnus: Just all this shit. Wanna come to my place for sardines?
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Lucy: I hate sardines.
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Andrew Adamson: Georgie, stay in character!
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Lucy: *scowl*
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Andrew Adamson: CUT! Call in the double. ACTION!
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Lucy Double: Yes, of course I will! I love sardines!
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Andew Adamson: CUT! Okay, now get lost.
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Real Lucy: *returns*
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Andrew Adamson: ACTION!
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Lucy and Tumnus: *prance off*
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1. I actually heard it say that. It's one minute and seven seconds into the film on the DVD.
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2, To clarify: in this scene, Random Lady is their mother, Random Boy #1 is Edmund, Random Boy #2 is Peter, Random Girl #1 is Susan, Random Girl #2 is Lucy.
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3. I am going to get so many angry emails from Willianites for that.


UPDATE TWO | Wednesday, April 19, 2006 | 10:00 PM

Credit to my friend Eama for her help with this part.
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Hole In The Side Of The Mountain... I mean Tumnus's House
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Door: *creaks open creakily*
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Tumnus's Hooves: *clop on doormat*
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Lucy: *looks at painting* Wow, I can see where you get your big nose.
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Tumnus: I got it for Christmas. A long time ago. We don't have Christmas anymore.
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Lucy: Well that sucks! I'm getting out of here!
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Tumnus: NO! You must stay and listen to the pretty music! *plays pretty music*
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Lucy: OoOoOoOoOoOoOo... sleepy music... *sleeps*
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Tumnus: *thinking* YES!
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Aslan: *facefire* WHOABITCHDIENOWPLZKTHNX!
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Lights: *unlight*
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People Who Haven't Read The Book: WTF?
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Tumnus: *suddenly draped across the stair* I've been a very bad boy.
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Lucy: This is going to turn into one of those bad pornos, isn't it?
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Tumnus: Well, I'm sorta kidnapping you... but-the-White-Witch-made-me-you-gotta-get-outta-here!
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Lucy: ...
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Running Through The Random Woods
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Tumnus: We have to be quick! Can you find your way back from the lamp post?
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Tumnus: *thinking* Christ, it's cold.
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Lucy: Yes.
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Lucy: *thinking* Put on a goddamn shirt, then!
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Tumnus: Ok, here's your hanky back!
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Tumnus: *thinking* How do you know what I'm thinking!?!
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Lucy: Oh, take the goddamn hanky!
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Lucy: *thinking* I have... sources...
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*Lucy walks back through the coats and tumbles out of the wardrobe into...*
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The Wardrobe Room (again)
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*...where Lucy proceeds to run out of the Wardrobe Room into...*
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The Random Corridor
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Lucy: I'M HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE!
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Edmund: Shut up! Oh, crap, I seem to have a disibility that prevents me from returning behind the curtains...
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Skandarnites: WHOO HE'S BACK!
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Peter: Erm, I... found you?
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Willianites: WHOO HE'S BACK!
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*Skandarnites and Willianites have a brawl over who's backer.*
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Lucy: ...
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Susan: HAHA! I WIN, SUCKERS!
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The Wardrobe Room (again again)
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Susan: *goes into the back of the wardrobe*
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Back of Wardrobe: MWAHAHA! Didn't expect to see me here, did you!?!
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Edmund: *steps on Sheet*
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Sheet: OW! MOTHERFUCKER!
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Spazzboy, The Evil Child and The Other Gril Who's Name I Forgot: *don't believe her*
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Edmund: *makes a bad joke*
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Peter: I think I'm overdue for a spazz... *SPAZZ!*
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Edmund: I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!
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Peter: ... Skandar, that's not the line...
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Edmund: I know, but the fangirls are dying to see us fight. *runs off for no apparent reason*
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Willianites: W00T! OUR GUY KICKED YOUR GUYS ASS!
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Skandarnites: *boo and throw popcorn*
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Susan: Good job, Will!
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Later that night...
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Candle: I BURN YOU, AIR!!!
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Lucy: *watches feeble flicker from Candle*
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Lucy: *grabs Candle*
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Candle: AWESOME! A TOUR!
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Edmund: *comes out of the bathroom and spies*
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*Lucy enters...*
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The Wardrobe Room (again again again)
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Candle: *casts a flickering glow on the wardrobe*
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Fans: Ooooh, aaaah...
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Lucy: *opens wardrobe door*
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Candle: ZOMG YOU'VE KILLED ME!
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Lucy: *smiles and goes into the wardrobe*
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Voice: Welcome to the wardrobe. Narnian visiting hours are now open. Please proceed to the back of the vessel now... haha, just kidding, it's gone again!
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Back of Wardrobe: *is indeed gone*
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Edmund: *enters the wardrobe*
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Voice: *doesn't speak because it doesn't like him*
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Edmund: ... maybe I'll check if she's in the back...
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Back of Wardrobe: I'M NOT HERE ANYMORE, BITCH!
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The Lamp Post (again)
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Edmund: *falls on his big fat ass*
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Random tree: HAHA, SUCKER!
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Edmund: *did not actually fall, Anna fell for him*
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Edmund: Uh, Lucy? ... ah, well, screw that! *pisses around*
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Sledge: LOOK AT HOW FAST I CAN GO! *runs over Edmund*
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Random Dwarf: Now that my reindeer have splattered you all over the snow, I'm going to kill you, isn't that nice?
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Edmund: But -- splah -- whatty --
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Voldemort Voice: Bring me the boy!
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Edmund: WTF?
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Random-Lady's-Voice: I mean, uh... come here, you look so cold!
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Edmund: An evil-looking stranger in the middle of a wood in a land I don't even know... AWESOME! *jumps in sledge*
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Random-Lady-With-Icicles-On-Head: I'm the Queen. Want food?
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Edmund: Okay! Double Whopper with a medium diet root beer and small fry, please!
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"Queen": ...
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Edmund: Urm, just Turkish Delight then.
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Turkish: *delight*
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That joke: *is lame*
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Edmund: *eats Turkish Delight*
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Turkish Delight: *is really plexiglass so Skandar can't eat it*
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"Queen": Bring me your family so I can like make you a king, yo!
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Edmund: I don't want Peter to be king!
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"Queen": I'll turn him into a drawf and he can serve you.
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Edmund: SWEET! I'm hungry...
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"Queen": NO MORE!!
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Edmund: ... okay!
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"Queen": See you.
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Edmund: Whatever.

UPDATE THREE | Thursday, April 20, 2006 | 2:30 PM
The Lamp Post (again again)
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Lucy: *suddenly appears just after the Witch has rode off conveniently never having seen her with Edmund*
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Edmund: There is a lot of fucked-up shit going down here!
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Lucy: I've been with Mr Tumnus. It's okay, the Witch didn't find out about him and I meeting. She's kinda stupid, ya know.
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White Witch: HEY, BITCH!
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Andrew Adamson: YOU'RE NOT IN THIS SCENE!
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Edmund: So... witchwhatwitch?
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Lucy: The White Witch. She seduces little boys with Turkish Delight and calls herself the queen and has a crazy dwarf and a sledge that is programmed to run everything over.
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Edmund: ... IDONOTKNOWTHISPERSON!!!
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Lucy: ...
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The Bedroom (again)
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Lucy: EVERYBODYWAKEUPEDMUNDANDIWENTTOFUNKYSHITLANDAGAIN!
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Peter: ... *stares at Edmund*
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Susan: ... *stares at Edmund*
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Tumbleweed: *stops blowing by to stare at Edmund*
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Peter: You went there with her?
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Lucy: Well, no... what the fuck were you doing there, Ed?
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Edmund: ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ pretending.
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Lucy: *cries*
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Edmund: *smirks*
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Peter: *pitches a spazz and kicks Ed's ass again*
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Willianites: Oh, BURN!
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Skandarnites: *begin throwing sharp objects at the screen whenever Will appears*
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Andrew Adamson: ... not... in... the script...
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Willianites: *begin to throw things at AA as Lucy runs into...*
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Random Corridor (again)
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Groovy Professor: Some funky bawling miniature hurricane seems to be hurling towa -- OH!
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*SMACK*
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Lucy: RANDOM OLD MAN! *HUGGLES!*
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Bitchy Lady That Used To Have A Horse: *is back*
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Bitchy Lady That Used To Have A Horse: *SPAZZ!*
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Willianites: THAT'S PETER'S THING! *boo and throw food*
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Groovy Professor: Just get the girl a drink, would ya? Brandy's fine.
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Susan: Sir, Lucy thinks she's found a world in the wardrobe.
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Professor: You think she's gone nuts then?
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Peter: Well, no...
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Professor: So you're saying she's a liar?
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Susan: No!
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Professor: THEN SHE'S TELLING THE TRUTH, BOZOS!
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Outside Playing Cricket
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Peter: HEADS!
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Edmund: *hit in the ass* Why can't we play a game that can give me an excuse to get us back to the plot point?
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Peter: We need AIR.
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Edmund: There's air inside.
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Candle: NO THERE ISN'T!!! I BURN YOU, AIR!
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Andrew Adamson: Someone call security.
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Edmund: *decides to stop sulking and breaks a window*
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Candle: Sucker.
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Random Room With A Newly-Broken Window
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Peter: Wow, good shot!
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Susan: Coming back to the scene of the crime was a brilliant idea.
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Lucy: How we get in the house and up about five flights of stairs before HorseyLady?
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Edmund: The film writers couldn't think of any better way for her to chase us to the --
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HorseyLady: *SUPERSPAZZ!*
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Edmund: As I was saying... PLOT POINT!!!
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Pevensies: *run into plot point and make an awful lot of noise considering they're supposed to be hiding*
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Susan: *bitch*
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Edmund: *complain*
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Lucy: *fuss*
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Peter: *spazz*
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Pevensies: *fall out of the wardrobe into...*
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The Lamp Post (again again again)
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Trees: WE'RE BACK! Miss us?
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Susan and Peter: OMGNOMOFO-IN'WAY. *turn to Lucy* Sorry?
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*SNOWBALL FIGHT!*
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Edmund: *gets hit*
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Edmund: *is a wuss*
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Peter: *overdue for a spazz*
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Peter: *SPAZZ!*
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Peter: *gets over it and starts handing out coats*
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Lucy: Let's go see Mr. Tumnus!
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Pevensies: *go see Mr, Tumnus*
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Edmund: Cool, I get a pregnant chicks' coat!
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Random Bits of Narnia That Didn't Used to Lead to Tumnus's Place
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Pevensies: *piss around*
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Outside Tumnus's House
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Lucy: ... lovely tea, and food, and ZOMG WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DOOR!?!
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Door: *is off hinges*
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Hinges: *no longer on door*
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Lucy: *runs in*
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Inside Tumnus's House
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*RANSACKARY!*
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Piece of Parchment: I'm foreshadowing! READ ME!
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Peter: *reads*
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Piece of Parchment says: That there human with y'all must be killed so the creepy witch lady can make all the peeps here suffer. Since this dude failed to kidnap slash murder the human in question, he has been, shall we say, *CAPTUR'D!* Have a nice day, Maugrim. [insert bloody paw print here]
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Edmund: Ah, screw him!
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Peter, Susan and Lucy: *doesn't listen to the boy wearing the pregnant girls coat*
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Peter: Let's do something.
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Susan, Lucy and Edmund: Any ideas?
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Peter: Well, no, but...
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Beaver: *just happens to turn up*
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Peter: Here, kitty!
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Beaver: *kicks Peter's ass* Now, follow me!
Copyright 2006 poofspoof.tripod.com
Pevensies: *shrug and follow*
















Copyright 2006 poofspoof.tripod.com